There might not be a worse feeling in the world than seeing the girl of your dreams and believing that she’s out of your league. For some reason, you’ve convinced yourself that she’s too good for you. What makes a girl out of your league?
For most guys, it’s an assumption they make based entirely on looks. Of course, other factors contribute to being high status, like:
- Expensive designer clothes and accessories
- Career success
- Popularity (including social media following)
Social standing is also affected by the company a person keeps – their close friends and past and present romantic partners. But mostly, when we first see a girl that we’d love to date, our perception of whether or not they’re out of our league is all about physical attractiveness.
On this page, I’m going to help you reframe the way you look at yourself with beautiful women. Speaking as a man who’s consistently dated far beyond what is expected of me – or what should even be possible — based on modern interpretations of attraction and value, I’ll also share some tips and tricks I’ve picked up along the way. I even texted a few exes for their insight into why they dated me.
Stop Thinking She’s Out of Your League
The concept of “leagues” is more relevant when you’re younger and in high school. Within that limited dating pool, social strata are clearly defined, and everyone is acutely aware of their position in the hierarchy.
As a result, high school is the most challenging time to date above your proverbial weight class. In school, attractiveness is almost exclusively based on looks, confidence, and popularity thanks to childish priorities and a lack of life experience.
Most articles on this topic just focus on self-improvement and being confident, reinforcing the idea that leagues exist. Working on yourself never hurts, but I believe the mental part of the game is where romance is won or lost.
You’re Better Than Her
As soon as you think a girl is out of your league, you’ve already taken yourself out of the game. Women are attracted to men they perceive as higher status than them in the social hierarchy. So, you need to show her that you’re better than her on some level, even if it’s not immediately apparent based on looks alone.
But don’t just show her that you think you’re better, really and truly believe it. There’s no way to fake confidence. Something will give you away – either your body language/posture or your eyes or your eagerness to impress.
By the way, you probably really are better. Most men dramatically underestimate the percentage of beautiful women who are goofy losers. A lifetime of good looks severely disrupts a person’s growth. They end up existing in a kind of distorted bubble.
People laugh at their unfunny jokes and pretend to be fascinated by their boring stories and fall all over themselves to buy them things and treat them to experience because they’re trying to sleep with them!
To prove that she’s not out of your league, regardless of her looks, don’t interact on her usual terms. Avoid playing into her strengths by complimenting her beauty. Challenge her to be attractive using a skill or talent she had to work to develop herself, without the use of natural God-given gifts.
Don’t be awed by her physical attributes; ask probing questions that play to your strengths while undermining her self-assuredness. The idea is to make her feel the need to try and impress you.
At the same time, don’t be overly antagonistic or rude. All you’re doing is steering the conversation and demonstrating a worldview that values talents and abilities other than superficiality and beauty. A set of rules under which you’re her equal, if not out of her league. Then sell it.
Don’t Judge Yourself Based on Men’s Standards
By the way, it’s not incorrect to prioritize qualities other than beauty when trying to decide whether you and a girl are in the same leagues. Men and women have different standards of attraction. We often assume they care as much about looks as we do, but that’s not the case.
While men base attraction almost entirely on looks at first, women pay close consideration to things like financial success, career prestige, general competence, confidence, and the ability to keep them safe and secure.
That’s why you shouldn’t give up on pursuing a woman who isn’t immediately interested based on looks alone. You can still make her attracted to you by demonstrating value with other aspects of your life and personality. Women will allow you to transcend your physical appearance if you’re enough of a winner in other areas.
So, if your reason for thinking a girl is out of your league is based strictly on looks, you might want to reevaluate that calculation. There’s a chance that when you add up everything else you bring to the table, the two of you are more closely aligned than you realize.
Take Care of the Basics
I know I just got done explaining that physical appearance isn’t everything when it comes to getting women, but don’t be gross. Only superstar musicians, billionaire tech entrepreneurs, and a handful of famous artists and comedians can pull off the disheveled unwashed look.
The rest of us must practice good hygiene and put effort into our overall presentation.
Even if you aren’t classically handsome or super fit, you can shower, wear deodorant, trim your nails, get a decent haircut (shave it all off if your hairline is retreating!), and iron your clothes. Wear items that compliment your body type.
It doesn’t take much money to put together a decent wardrobe that can be mixed and matched to create dozens of different outfits.
- If you have more disposable income, you can demonstrate considerable value with stylish, name-brand clothes and accessories. At a certain level, the threads do half the work for you – but that’s when you’re dropping serious cash.
- If cash is tight, all you need is a presentable outfit that says, “I’m a responsible adult who cares about my presentation and has my shit together.”
You should also pay attention to your posture – shoulders pressed back, head held high, chin down. Developing good posture makes you feel more comfortable in your body and displays confidence.
It’s also important to smile. When you walk into the room, you should already be smiling and laughing. Don’t enter the space and immediately start scanning the crowd for attractive targets. Dominate your space and look like you’re having fun without acknowledging the rest of the room yet. They’ll see you.
Be Direct and Say What You Want
One of the biggest mistakes men make when talking to a beautiful woman is failing to be open and direct about their intentions. Leave no room for confusion.
Guys will start talking to a girl and get so desperate to avoid lulls and hold her interest, they’re like a cowboy thrashing around trying to keep his mount on a rodeo bull. In all the excitement and chaos, they never get to the point and take their shot. Mostly because if they risk expressing interest and get turned down, the conversation is over. So they drag it out.
You can’t fear rejection and successfully pick up women who are out of your league. The lack of confidence will shine through and undermine everything you do or say. That’s the tricky part about dating high-value women.
- If you genuinely believe she’d be lucky to date you, she’ll end up believing you too – no matter how you look.
- But if any part of your psyche thinks a woman might be out of your league, she’ll agree.
Women get tired of guys who beat around the bush and never ask for what they want. It happens when we’re waiting for an obvious sign that they’re interested. So, we end up talking around the issue and dropping a bunch of hints without committing which gets confusing.
Even if she declines, it’s better than accidentally becoming her friend under false pretenses. Not being direct about what you want is how most men find themselves in the friend zone. The longer you linger around without making a move, the harder it’ll be to share your feelings — and the higher the likelihood she’ll be unhappily blindsided by the news.
Indifference is Your Ally
If there’s anything I’ve learned from the many trials and tribulations I’ve encountered on the dating scene, it’s that aggressive indifference is man’s most powerful weapon against feminine nonsense.
Women want you to love them or hate them — but total indifference triggers their insecurities in a way that’s extremely advantageous for men. When you don’t care enough to impress them, flatter them, or entertain challenges to your confidence, they panic and work harder for your attention.
Patrice O’Neal said it best, “a women’s power lies in your fear of what she might do.“
If you don’t take the bait and react to threats to break up or end the conversation or date someone else, she’ll stay. Not only will she stay, but she’ll also work that much harder to make you happy and earn your affection – all in the hope that next time she threatens to leave, you balk.
However, to wield the power of indifference effectively, you must be legitimately willing to let her walk away. There’s a chance that she’ll follow through on her threats; it’s a risk you must accept. It’s still worth holding your ground for the respect you’ll gain, and the relationship benefits you’ll receive from the girls who don’t leave.
Pay More Attention to Her Friends
This tip only pertains to when you’re out in public and trying to connect with a woman you’ve never met before but would like to date. It’s just a subtle and indirect way to lower the defenses of the girl you want, win over her friends, and gently lower her confidence for just long enough to desire your approval. It’s been a consistent go-to move in my arsenal for at least a decade.
Scoring a date with a strange woman in public while she’s with her friends is one of the most challenging scenarios to navigate in the entire dating game. For it to be successful, the last thing you should do is approach the girl you want head-on and put her on the spot in front of her compatriots.
When you introduce yourself to the table, you can’t telegraph your intentions. You’re just a charismatic, entertaining guy looking to meet some new friends. But you don’t treat everyone at the table the same way. Instead, you focus the bulk of your attention on everyone other than the girl you actually want.
Introduce yourself to her and be polite but look in her direction significantly less often. Be slightly dismissive and don’t react as much to the things she says. Subtly is key. She should feel mildly excluded, but not enough to mention it; you must maintain plausible deniability.
Is it gaslighting? Kind of. But all’s fair in love and war.
Eventually, after you’ve established a good rapport with her friends, it’s time to set the trap. Find a moment to look directly at her, smile, and hold eye contact for half a beat longer than what feels comfortable. If she holds your gaze and smiles back, you’re golden.
All that’s left is to isolate her from the friends. Ideally, she’ll find an excuse to leave the table for a minute. Wait five seconds and join her in the new location. If she doesn’t initiate the separation, excuse yourself to go order a drink from the bar. Ask if she wants one. She’ll probably follow you over there.
If not, you must return to the table and reengage the friends briefly. However, at the first chance you get, angle your body towards her and away from the rest of the table to create a side conversation between just the two of you.
Now, be direct about what you want, exchange information, and make plans. Boom! You’ve landed a girl who previously seemed out of your league.
Develop a Serious Interest, Skill, or Talent
As I discussed earlier, women find guys attractive for a litany of reasons that have nothing to do with physical appearance. Talent is sexy. Having the discipline to dedicate oneself to the mastery of a skill is sexy. Any undertaking that requires prolonged focus and commitment is sexy.
If you want a girl who’s out of your league, giving her all your time and attention isn’t the way to win her over. Unless she feels an immediate physical attraction to you, which I’m assuming isn’t the case if you consider her out of your league, you’ll need to take an indirect approach.
What other areas of your life can you develop? Do you have any hobbies?
It doesn’t even need to be a skill you can show off or perform. Just being passionate about a specific cause or issue is enough to make you more interesting. Some women are attracted to good conversationalists – most are attracted to intelligence. The pursuit of knowledge helps on both accounts.
A sense of humor works the same way. Who doesn’t enjoy being in the presence of someone that can make them laugh regularly? The ability to be funny also comes across as charming and smart, which are helpful qualities to boost attractiveness.
Anyone can develop their sense of humor and read enough books to make themselves an entertaining conversationalist with a wealth of knowledge on a wide range of topics. Toss in the ability to make a girl laugh and you’ve moved up several levels on the dating market without implementing any significant changes to your life.
Embrace the Dark Arts
I hate to admit it but some of the embarrassingly corny strategies popularized by the online pick-up artist (PUA) community are effective. I’ve discussed a few concepts that are similar to what they espouse on this page. If you get too deep in the PUA community, you’ll become an embarrassing caricature of yourself wearing a magician’s hat and painting your nails.
However, some of the basic techniques are rooted in reality. One of the best examples is negging, the strategy of delivering slightly backhanded compliments in a flirtatious way. It’s a light shot at their confidence that expresses indifference or disguises your intentions.
Negging can work if executed with the appropriate charm but is one of the most misunderstood concepts on the internet. Often, young men without social skills stumble across PUA content and end up outright insulting people, without any charm or subtlety.
Still, if you’re struggling to attract girls who are out of your league, it can’t hurt to familiarize yourself with the art of pick-up. Just be authentic to yourself and don’t adopt too much of the PUA identity. There are some helpful tips and strategies, but you don’t want to find yourself in two years wearing a pink corduroy top hat and doing card tricks for drunk chicks at a dive bar.
Have Lots of Money or Social Status
This tip is probably the most obvious solution to landing almost any girl who’s out of your league. Of course, considering the world we’re living in, once you have enough money there’s no such thing as “out of your league.” Wealth is the great equalizer.
Unfortunately, it’s pretty damn difficult to get rich. I’d argue it’s harder to build a successful business or advance far enough in a career to earn a substantial income than it is to meet and seduce a girl a few rungs higher than oneself on the attractiveness scale.
What you shouldn’t try to do is pretend that you’re rich. That rarely works out well. Most women can see right through the charade, and it’ll land you in some pretty embarrassing situations if you’re not careful. You can only play the “just because I have lots of money, doesn’t mean I spend it” game for so long before someone calls your bluff. And there’s nothing less attractive than someone pretending to be something they’re not.
There’s No Such Thing as Leagues
I know it’s a bit weird to end this piece by contradicting the entire general thesis of the article, but I must reaffirm the fact that there is no such thing as “leagues.” That kind of limiting belief is only true if you allow yourself to believe it.
Correct that thought process and become confident in your many strengths and you’ll be shocked by how many beautiful girls you attract. They aren’t as hung up on looks as us. Focus on improving the things you control. Develop a talent or skill and spend time expanding your knowledge base to be a more interesting conversationalist.
You’re in full control of your dating destiny.
One last time, repeat after me: Nobody is out of your league.