Have you ever signed up for a dating app like Meetup or Elite Singles and quickly matched up with the person of your dreams? You were on point with your conversation game and locked down a date within the first thirty minutes.
You met up IRL and had a decent time, but it was nowhere near the conversations you had on the dating site. After one or two polite texts, they ghosted you. In your head, you blamed it on the crappy weather, your date, or the clumsy waiter who spilled wine on your shirt. You don’t know exactly what it was. You just know it couldn’t have been you.
But you hopped back onto the dating apps and found someone else, and the same thing happened. You met. You had a mediocre date. They ghosted you. Wash, rinse, and repeat!
Eventually, you’ll have to stop condemning external circumstances and start blaming the mirror because, buddy, it’s all you!
Undateable: What Is It?
There are so many new terms to describe the dating situation, and undateable is just one of many. According to Urbandictionary.com, it’s defined as “an individual so flawed that they can’t possibly be dated by anyone.” Ouch!
For example, Todd is so undateable. He’s thirty, still lives at home with his parents, and doesn’t have a car.
So who determines who is undateable? If you miss the mark with one date, relax; it happens. If you screw up on the next date, don’t panic just yet because it may be only a string of bad luck.
However, when we start getting into dates four and five, you should begin soul-searching because you’ve officially become the common denominator, and you’re teetering on a fine line between getting one final chance or being ostracized by an entire sex. No pressure!
How Do You Know You’ve Reached Undateable Status?
Carol went on a date with Dylan, a guy she met on a dating app. He was a cool guy. They met at a French restaurant, and the date was going well until the waiter came with the food. Dylan didn’t pronounce one of the items on the menu correctly, and Carol immediately chimed in and corrected his pronunciation. Dylan was embarrassed.
Unfortunately, Carol didn’t stop there. She started bragging about her fluency and expertise in all things French. Dylan felt belittled, and instead of calling her after their date, he “lost” her number.
Let’s be honest; most people know when they’re undateable, but they still try to keep hope that this, too, shall pass and they’ll meet the match of their dreams. But for the tiny few still out here blaming everyone else for their doomed dating status, we’re offering a quiz to let you know that; sorry, you’re the problem.
The good news is that you can fix it once you know for sure. So, even if this quiz deems you as a schmuck, you can still hold on to hope. So, let’s find out if you’re unlucky or just plain undateable.
Quiz: Are You Undateable?
1. You’ve Signed Up for at Least Eight Dating Apps and Matched with over Twenty People, but You Feel like They’re Not up to Par with Your Standards, so You ‘Settle’ for Going Out with Your Cousin’s Friend Because He’s a Doctor.
If this sounds like you something you’d do, or have done, then yeah, you’re probably undateable. The funny thing is, at dinner, you were disgusted by how loudly the doctor chewed, so you never called him back.
People like this will find fault with anyone, and yet, still wonder why “all men are jerks,” or “all women don’t want nice guys.”
2. You’ve Dated a Thoracic Surgeon, a Professional Ball Player, and a Concert Pianist, but They’ve All Somehow Gotten on Your Nerves, so You Had to Dump Them.
The surgeon had to reschedule because he had emergency surgery, the professional ball player didn’t make enough money, and the concert pianist’s favorite classical tune was Chopin’s Nocturnes in B flat minor and E flat. You hate that song because it reminds you of your mean aunt Hilda, who played it all the time while she made you rub her crusty bunions.
You’d think this was an exaggeration, but I knew someone who dumped three guys for similar reasons.
To this day, she’s still single and complaining about it. Sure, we get the bunions thing; that can scar anybody, but she’s so picky she’d ghost an astronaut who had to reschedule because his launch date moved up.
3. She Says She’ll Call You at 7:30 but Leaves You a Message at 7:15 to Let You Know She Has to Take Her Grandmother to the Hospital and Will Call You Tomorrow. The Next Day, You Don’t Answer the Phone.
You refuse to take her call the next day because now you’ll be inconvenienced because you scheduled in time to talk to her tonight, not tomorrow. How dare she presume you’re available tomorrow night.
If you’re undateable, you want everything to go your way, which is why you’ve been dateless for the last few months. The good news is, grammy is okay. The bad news is you’ll never know because you didn’t take her call the next day, you selfish jerk! Say it with me: Un-Date-Able!
4. You Haven’t Been Out in Three Months. Your Options Are to A. Go Out with Your Friends and Hopefully Meet a Guy or B. Get On Dating Apps and Check Out Fresh Meat.
You choose option C, which is to curl up on the couch and binge-watch Netflix while eating an entire cheesecake with your hands. It’s not the binge-watching or the cheesecake that makes you undateable. We’ve all done it! But you haven’t been out in over three months.
C’mon, scrape up a little dignity and comb your hair, brush your teeth, and peel your butt off the sofa for one measly night. Who knows? If you venture outside of your four walls, you might find a brand new person to kick to the curb after a few weeks because they parted their hair on the wrong side of their head.
Why not step out and meet new people and let them know you’re available? If you don’t like going out alone, ask a friend to accompany you. Someone is out there waiting for you, and even if the relationship doesn’t last long, at the very least, your nieces and nephews will stop referring to you as the creepy aunt with all the cats.
5. Your Best Friend Tells You She’s Got the Perfect Guy for You, but You Find Something/Anything to Do before Agreeing to Go Out on a Date.
You haven’t been on a date in weeks, and your friend asks you to hang out with her, her boyfriend, and his friend. You’ve met him and know he’s cute, has a great job, and just bought a new house, so it’s not some random dude off the street.
Instead of agreeing to go out and (god forbid) have a great time, your undateable nature comes out, and you come up with a million and one excuses why you should stay home.
- “I’ve got to wash my hair.”
- “I’ve got to give my cat a bath.” (you don’t have a cat)
- “My babysitter canceled.” (you don’t have kids, either)
Our advice? Stop being that girl and go out and have some fun! If it wasn’t meant to be, so what? You went out and had a fabulous time. Is that so bad?
6. No Matter Where You’re Going, Your Go-to Outfit Is a Pair of Sweatpants and a Graphic T-Shirt. Underwear Is Optional, Depending on How Far Away Laundry Day Is.
Everyone wants to be comfortable, but sometimes you need to, at the very least, look and smell clean. But not undateables. Some of them rarely care what they look like and regularly use excuses for their lazy outfit choices. “I’m only running to the store,” or “I’m not even getting out of the car.”
They constantly lean on the excuse, “If they only like me for how I dress then they don’t deserve me,” which they know is bullshit, but it sounds good, right?
What makes them even more undateable is if they require their dates to dress to the nines while they show up to a nice restaurant in a pair of baggy shorts and Crocs, daring their date to “take me as I am.”
Wake up! Shabby chic isn’t a thing; you’re just too lazy to get it together. Welcome to the World of Undateables because if you don’t get your act together, you will be their future leader.
7. You Say All Your Exes Are “Heartless B**ches Because You Can’t Stop Clinging to the Ghosts of Your Undateable Past.
Your last few partners dumped you, and you still haven’t gotten over it. You go on every new date complaining about how they ripped your heart from your chest and served it up on a platter. Your emotional tirades always lead your dates to one conclusion: there won’t be a second date!
Of course, breakups are complex, but here’s a tip: if you can’t stop badmouthing your ex to anyone within earshot, you’re not ready to date. Don’t even sign up for a dating app because you’ll mow them down, one after the other, faster than you can say “undateable.”
No one is interested in dating someone who continues to brood over their past, and according to you, it’s all their fault. You’re just the poor, helpless innocent guy looking for love. (Yeah, right!)
8. You Roll Your Eyes at Everything They Have to Say, Exhibiting Your Better-Than-Thou Behavior.
You have nothing to add to the conversation. You’re just obsessed with hearing yourself speak. You constantly use “big words” incorrectly but swear you’re knowledgeable about every subject and never admit to not knowing shit. Instead, you talk in circles, hoping to confuse your dates so they won’t ask you to clarify.
You’re always fishing for compliments because you love to hear good things about yourself. But you fail to realize this can totally turn off someone genuinely interested in you.
We always say you should accept another person’s shortcomings, but guess what? You should also be accepting of yours. No one is perfect, including you, so stop looking for an ideal date with flawless mannerisms, income, personality, looks, etc. and just relax and enjoy spending time with them.
We all have flaws, so stop acting like you’re the one perfect person on Earth. If you were so immaculate, wouldn’t you have found a partner by now? Oh, that’s right, no one matches up to your beauty and intelligence. That’s okay; we just hope you enjoy being undateable because unless you change your attitude, that will be your status for a long time.
Learn to relax and enjoy the new people you meet! When you do, you’ll change your status from “undateable” to “in a relationship.”