Beginning a new relationship is invigorating and exciting, right? Maybe not.
Starting something new with someone can also be stressful because you’re learning new things about each other, and this can be a good or bad thing, depending on what you find out. Relax because after much research, here is a compiled list of boss moves you should make to help keep your new relationship awesome.
Don’t Blow up Her Phone
Of course, you enjoy talking to her every day, but every hour? Constantly phoning your girlfriend reeks of despair and makes you appear desperate. This doesn’t mean not answering your phone when she calls. It means you don’t need to phone her to tell her what you’re eating for lunch or that your dog learned a new trick. This also goes for texting (nice try).
Keep Your Independence
In the beginning stages of a relationship, you want to spend all your time with your partner. So you pull a magician’s trick and “Poof!” disappear from all your friends and family. Not cool. If you hung out with your friends every Wednesday night for your weekly bowling fest, continue to do so.
You don’t want to become so available to your partner that they get sick of you.
Watch Out for Red Flags
Toxic Alert, toxic alert! Don’t ignore red flags. You may have only been dating for a short time, but you know what red flags are and which ones to watch out for. Consider these warnings, my friend, because they are the first indicators of troubled waters ahead. So what are some of the warning signs of a toxic relationship? Here are 9 common red flags to watch for.
- Red Flag #1: Stalking – Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched? Maybe you are. It’s abnormal for a partner to want to know everything you do every minute of the day. If it feels like your partner is keeping tabs, they probably are, and you may be in a toxic relationship.
- Red Flag #2: A Bad Temper – She may have appeared sweet at dinner and during the first half of the movie, but if she loses her cool at the kid working the concession stand, you may be dating someone with a bad temper. It will only be a matter of time until she unleashes it on you. Have you witnessed her throw a tantrum when she didn’t get her way? What do you think will happen when you don’t give in to her all the time? Keep a watchful eye out because tantrums can even turn into violence.
- Red Flag #3: Violence – Even though this red flag seems obvious, it needs repeating. No one should ever put their hands on you in a violent manner. If your current partner exhibits signs of violent behavior, reach out to family members, friends, or anyone you trust for support. Violence ranges from yelling to physical abuse, including emotional abuse and even property damage. If you feel threatened, contact a violence support group.
- Red Flag #4: Their Ex Is the “Crazy” One – If your new partner is always complaining about how crazy his ex is, yet he was with her for seven years, exercise extreme caution. Complaining about an ex demonstrates the inability to take ownership regarding the relationship’s demise. He’ll tell you everything his ex did wrong during the relationship, but what did he do wrong? It’s a red flag if he isn’t willing to take any accountability. Additionally, if she was so bad, it doesn’t say much about him for remaining in the relationship for several years.
- Red Flag #5: Oversharing – Sharing too much about yourself early on in a relationship is not appropriate. Oversharing is often a forced attempt at creating trust and intimacy instead of allowing it to happen naturally and grow over time.
- Red Flag #6: They Hate All Your Friends – If your new partner seems to dislike all your friends because of one ridiculous reason or another and only offers up a “They’re not good for you” reason, that may be a red flag. Understandably, your mate may not love all your friends, but he doesn’t even like Jackie, the girl who donates food to the homeless. C’mon, really?
- Red Flag #7: Can’t Take Criticism – An inability to take any form of criticism may signify that you are dealing with a toxic individual who also demonstrates narcissistic traits. This type of person gets upset with simple suggestions and can become defensive about anything you have to say.
- Red Flag #8: Dismissive of Your Feelings – This is commonly referred to as “gaslighting,” when an individual uses psychological manipulation that causes a person to question the validity of their thoughts or perceptions. Often toxic partners use this tactic to dismiss your feelings by making you feel like you’re overreacting.
- Red Flag #9: Controlling – Is your partner telling you how to talk or act? Do they constantly suggest how to dress and how much makeup to wear? This red flag could mean that you are dealing with a toxic partner and should reconsider the relationship.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Like the song says, give a little respect. It’s not just you anymore. You’re part of a relationship, so you must consider your partner’s feelings. Be considerate of how she feels, even though you might disagree. You shouldn’t change who you are in the relationship, so don’t expect that of your partner.
Here are six ways to show respect within your relationship:
- Demonstrate trust: Don’t constantly call or text. Trust that they’re not out there doing something you would disapprove of.
- Accept and appreciate your differences: So what, your partner doesn’t always like the same things you do? Even if they don’t share the same views, their perception is still valid, just as yours is. Keeping an open mind helps you accept new things; even if you disagree with them, you can still appreciate them.
- Show mindful communication: Disagreements don’t have to result in a shouting match. Discuss issues calmly and if you can’t do that, walk away until you have calmed down.
- Have time apart: If you are in a healthy relationship, they should take no issue with you wanting time apart. No matter how fun and fabulous they are, encourage hanging out with your separate group of friends. Doing so helps you grow as individuals within the relationship.
- Always be accountable: Let your partner know you are reliable and that they can count on you. If you say you are going to do something, do it. If you’re unable to do it, communicate that to them. If you make plans together, don’t break them, or if you have to cancel, tell them that as well. Follow-through in a relationship is crucial to its success.
- Get in tune with yourself: Have you heard that before loving anyone else, you need to love yourself? Well, that’s absolutely true. In a relationship, you’re not only getting to know your partner, but you’re also getting to know yourself and how you relate to your partner. What are some things you’re willing to compromise on? What are some of their qualities that complement yours? The more involved you are in the relationship, the more you find out about yourself as an individual.
Communication
Communication is a must. Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. Stop getting upset when he doesn’t automatically understand why you are angry. Tell him.
Do you get angry when she goes out with her friends because you prefer to stay home and watch a movie? Did you communicate that with her? No? Then how would she know? Communicate your feelings, and your relationship will run much smoother. If there’s something you need from your partner, let them know.
Make Your Intentions Clear
Clear intentions are also part of communication. Early in the relationship, set your expectations. For example, are you looking for a monogamous relationship, and if so, is your partner? Once you know what you want from the relationship, communicate it to your partner so you are both on the same page.
Get Rid of Heavy Baggage
Keep all that relationship baggage in the past. Lugging dusty old baggage behind you is not a cute look and is a surefire way to kill your brand-new relationship.
Here are seven tips to help you let go of baggage that can destroy your relationship:
- All Things Aren’t Meant to Last: It can be tough to forge ahead from a past relationship, especially if you never wanted it to end in the first place. The saying, “every person comes into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime,” are words to live by. You can appreciate your past relationship, but realize that your ex may have been in your life for just a season and not a lifetime.
- Learn From Your Past: Instead of allowing your past relationship struggles to torment you, learn from them. Regardless of what we previously went through, we can always take away a valuable lesson that helps us move forward with a current relationship.
- No More Talking To Your Ex: If the relationship is over, it should be over! Stop talking and texting your ex under the guise of wanting to remain on good terms. Unless you have kids together, there’s no longer a need to communicate. Delete their number and, for goodness sake, skip the early morning drunken texts. Resist temptation by removing your ex from all your social media.
- Allow Yourself to Feel Sad: Baggage can stick around because you never let yourself grieve the failed relationship. How did you feel when you first broke up with your ex? In other words, were you angry or upset, or did you quickly move on without entirely dealing with your feelings? Allow yourself to grieve fully, and then let that be the end of it and move on.
- Raise Your Self-Esteem: A broken relationship can beat your self-esteem, especially if you blame yourself for its demise. Another scenario is if you had low self-esteem in a previous abusive relationship. Your self-esteem doesn’t automatically rise once you move on. Work on improving your self-esteem, so you are not dragging that baggage into your new relationship.
- Accept the Past: Your previous relationship ended, but sometimes, we live in denial that it ended. However, once you accept that you are no longer with your ex and that ship has sailed, you can move on and give all your attention to your new relationship.
- Ask for Help: Never be afraid to ask for assistance. If you have tried everything in your power to move on and still can’t, you may need to seek outside counseling. Simply recognizing that you can’t go it alone and need professional help is a step in the right direction.
Know Your Dealbreakers (And Stick To Them)
Early in the relationship, let it be known what you will and will not deal with. Doing so helps both parties get onto the same page. Once you lay down the ground rules, stick to them. Being flexible is okay, but allowing them to walk all over you can lead to future resentment.
Honesty Is Still the Best Policy
There’s nothing that kills a new relationship faster than lying. How do you trust your partner in the future if they are already lying to you in the present?
No Comparisons, Please!
Just because your ex cheated on you doesn’t mean your current partner will. So stop looking through their phone and checking their social media for evidence. Your partner is not your ex, so give them a chance.
Here are 3 simple ways to stop comparing your partner to your ex:
- Get Rid of Expectations: You may be comparing your partner to your ex because you are worried about fully committing to someone who may betray you the same way they did. Don’t miss out on a long-term healthy relationship because of your expectations. Instead, release all expectations and enjoy the relationship without any pressure.
- Look for Unique Qualities: Instead of remembering your ex’s bad qualities and transferring them to your new partner, concentrate on looking for the good in your partner. Is he respectful? Is he kind? Does he make you laugh? Focus on the positive traits and let the past be the past.
- Be Patient: Do you immediately judge your new date without giving them a chance? Are you watching them with a side-eye, waiting for them to exhibit the tiniest bad trait so you have an excuse to head for the hills? Relax and allow them to show you who they are, not who your ex was. Try giving at least a two-date minimum before deciding if they are worthy of another date. If they didn’t impress you on the first date, it gives them time to blow you away on the second.
A new relationship can be a fantastic experience as you get to know your partner. But, for that excitement to continue growing, you should listen to your partner’s needs. It may sound complicated, but it’s really not. Trust your instincts. You know when there’s trouble brewing, and when you make a few Boss Moves early, you can ensure its longevity.