It’s been three years, and you know the relationship has run its course. You’re barely communicating, and when you do, it always ends up in an argument. You no longer celebrate birthdays, and you haven’t spent a single holiday together since last Christmas — and that was only to exchange gift certificates to Cracker Barrel. You’ve told your partner it’s over and then made up so many times you’ve lost count.
According to Psychology Today, when it comes to breakups, you should “State what you feel, but do so kindly, thinking about the person’s positive qualities.” This statement is true, especially if you are breaking up on good terms.
1. Tell the Truth
Additionally, if your partner asks if someone else is involved, you should decide if you should say something like, “This is not about another person, but about us. We are not working.” If there is another person, be mindful of how you word the truth to diminish hurt feelings.
Let’s face it; your relationship is dunzo, kaput, and cooked. It’s time to cut the ties and move on. If you’re in this situation, check out these 10 ways to tell your partner, “It’s Over!”
Tell them exactly how you feel. Tell your partner it’s over and why you feel like the relationship is ending. Do you no longer communicate effectively? If you haven’t had a meaningful discussion in months and don’t care if you ever do again. It is time to move on, so let them know as directly as possible.
Most of the time, even when you have to end a relationship, you still have some lingering feelings. You want to move on, but you want to tell them it’s over in a kind manner. Tell them how you feel and be honest. Whether you feel sad, afraid, or awkward, this isn’t the time to hold back.
Share your feelings.
Expressing those feelings may be painful and difficult, so you may be tempted to call or text. Never break up via a message, including email, voicemail, social media, or text messages. Show respect for the relationship by giving a face-to-face goodbye. Do not ghost someone, even if you’ve only been dating for a few weeks. Ghosting appears shallow and cowardly.
2. Don’t Invalidate Their Feelings
No matter how much time you put into the relationship, they will be disappointed when you tell them it’s over. When this happens, allow them to be hurt. It’s a healthy and normal way to get over a relationship.
Also, regardless of how they express their hurt, don’t tell them they are overreacting. No two people are the same, so they shouldn’t be expected to grieve the same way when the relationship is over. No matter how someone responds to the relationship ending, focusing on the good times will help keep the breakup positive. For instance, you tell them that even though it didn’t work out, you will miss their cooking or the walks you used to take. Conversely, bringing up the negatives of a failed relationship during a breakup will cause anger and animosity. It may cause you to end on bad terms.
It may be good for them to know you feel awkward about ending the relationship. They’ll see that you still have some feelings and that this decision wasn’t easy for you. Ease the tension by telling them, “I didn’t know what to say, so I Google’d it.” Believe it or not, this may help them feel better about the situation.”
9 Red Flags in Your Relationship
You may think you have the perfect relationship, but watch out for signs that your relationship may (and should) end.
- You deal with toxic behavior – If your partner exhibits manipulative tendencies, they may be toxic to your relationship. Other bad traits include gaslighting, lying, and dishonesty.
- You’ve lost interest in their well-being – This is small things like if you’re not concerned if they have eaten lunch or made it to their destination if traveling. You don’t wish any ill will. You just don’t think about them like you used to.
- You’ve stopped doing little things for them – When you first started dating, you used to cook dinner every evening. Or, you used to draw a bath for them because you knew they had a hard day at work. However, now doing those things don’t even occur to you.
- They suddenly start giving you more gifts and attention – It’s a big uh-oh if you have a partner who is suddenly showering you with attention for no reason. They may be feeling guilty about something they did. Be on the lookout if you come home to a dinner prepared by your partner, and they’ve never done this before, or if they inexplicably buy you an expensive gift.
- You’ve stopped confiding in them – Small or big, you used to tell your partner everything. However, now you barely tell them anything, including details about your big promotion. It’s a red flag if your number-one confidant is no longer your go-to person.
- You’ve stopped introducing them to family and friends – In the beginning, you may have told everyone about your partner, but as your inner circle grows, you no longer make introductions.
- Communication has stopped – You used to tell each other everything, but you no longer discuss the daily happenings in your life. It’s a definite red flag if you now discuss those with someone else of the opposite sex.
- Their quirks are no longer charming – If some of the things you found charming in the past are now annoying, you are losing patience and becoming disinterested in the relationship. For example, you used to love the foot rub they surprised you with every morning, but now their touch only annoys you.
- You’ve stopped doing things together – You used to watch movies or go on vacation together frequently, but now you don’t go at all. Healthy couples don’t do everything together, but if your partner goes to a party and has yet to give you a heads-up about it; it might be a problem.
3. Choose the Time Carefully
Telling someone you want to end the relationship is never good for them, so pick the best time and place to discuss it. Of course, you want to know how to tell them it’s over, but you should also consider when. For example, you want to avoid breaking up with someone at a family event. Nor do you want to give them the boot at his uncle’s funeral or breaking up during the New Year’s Eve countdown.
When you tell someone you don’t want to see them any longer, choose a private location without interruptions. If, for any reason, you prefer not to be in complete seclusion, pick an area with few people around. Doing so helps avoid any embarrassment if they become emotional.
Do’s and Dont’s of Telling Your Partner “It’s Over”
- Do think it over. You don’t want to make quick decisions without some thought put into it.
- Do think about what you’ll say. Try to assess how you feel your partner will take the news.
- Do confide in someone you trust. It can help get an outside perspective. They may offer helpful suggestions on how to break up.
- Don’t tell everyone else before you tell your partner. Be respectful and let them know as soon as possible.
- Don’t be brutal. For example, you don’t want to tell your partner that you’re breaking up because he’s terrible in bed. If that is the case, say something like, “We’re just incompatible.”
- Don’t avoid the other person. Eventually, you are going to need to have a conversation. Don’t put it off. Instead, do it early and be direct
4. Don’t Argue About It
A breakup can be difficult, especially when one party doesn’t want it to happen. Before even confronting them, decide that you will not argue no matter what. If the conversation begins to go south, try to calm them down. If they’re too upset, calmly walk away and tell them you will continue the discussion when they feel a little better about the situation. However, refrain from being condescending. Never ask them to “calm down.”
5. Allow Time for a Response
You don’t want to smack them in the face with the “It’s Over” talk and then walk away. Instead, be gentle and allow them to respond. Ending a relationship is a loss, not of a person, but of a loving situation between you. Give time to absorb the pain and grieve. The relationship is over, and they may need time to process and get over that.
6. Don’t Throw Baggage in Their Face
All relationships have baggage. Just because you’re breaking up doesn’t mean you have to throw it all in their face. While it’s okay to state precisely why you’re breaking up (“I don’t like the way you treat me”), you should not take the things they told you in confidence and use them as ammunition for why you’re breaking up.
For example, don’t say things like, “Your insecurities over your weight are driving me nuts!” The idea here is to be gentle and not combative. The situation is challenging enough without throwing extra fuel on the fire.
7. Be Reassuring
They might not be in your calm mental state, so reassure them that breaking up is the best thing for both of you. You don’t have to dwell on it, but remind them of all the arguments you’ve been having lately.
Tell them that even though you won’t be together as a couple, you can still be friendly toward each other. Doing so lets them see that this is not a hostile parting.
8. Be Confident and Firm with Your Decision
Usually, before deciding to end the relationship, you’ve thought about it and weighed the pros and cons. So, when informing them of your decision, don’t be wishy-washy about it. Be confident and avoid being overly nice. When you are too nice, they believe you won’t end the relationship if they press you hard enough. Make the break clean and swift. Be absolutely clear that the relationship is over.
9. Rehearse What to Say
We’ve established that breakups aren’t easy, so if you feel awkward about it, try rehearsing it several times to ensure you have the delivery down.
- Begin by mentioning what was good about the relationship: Try to steer clear of the negative talk. Instead, talk about what you value about the person.
- Pull them aside and tell them you want to speak to them in private about something important. However, do not pull them aside in front of friends. Instead, catch them when they are alone.
- Tell them exactly how you came to this decision.
- “You cheated on me, and I can’t get over that.”
- “We’ve grown apart.”
- “We’re just too incompatible.”
- “We’ve been arguing too much.”
- If you’re sorry about the breakup, say that.
- “I never wanted to hurt you.”
- “I apologize if this comes out wrong but…”
10. Don’t Fall into the Sex Trap
You want to break up, not put them on an emotional roller coaster. So resist the temptation to fall back into old patterns with one last sexcapade. This can be confusing and make the breakup more difficult.
6 Reasons You Shouldn’t Have Sex with Your Ex
You broke up, but now you’re tempted to return for the amazing sex. Don’t do it! Check out these 6 reasons why you shouldn’t go back for seconds.
- You could catch feelings again
- They treated you like crap
- It’s too soon
- It makes you appear desperate
- You both aren’t on the same page
- It stops you from finding the right one
Getting out of a toxic relationship is one thing. But, if you’re exiting a relationship that was predominantly loving and caring but no longer worked for you, break up in a manner that leaves friendship as a possibility, whether you’re interested in that or not.
If the relationship was primarily good, leave those pleasant feelings intact as you both move on.