Sometimes, you have a gut feeling that something is off in your marriage. You don’t have any evidence, but recently your “Spidey Senses” have been tingling in overdrive. He comes in late and doesn’t tell you where he’s been. And when he finally hops into bed, he’s on his phone until he falls asleep.
Numbers vary, but reports indicate that American marriages that deal with infidelity range from 42% to 53%. Coincidentally, a staggering 40% of couples dealing with the effects of cheating are now separated or divorced.
Here, we’ll inform you of the red flags that your spouse may be stepping out on you and how to identify them.
1). Avoiding You
Questions start popping up when your husband doesn’t answer your phone calls or always has to call you back later. At work, most people can step away to take a call from their spouse, but your husband never does. So instead, you must leave a message and wait for him to return your call.
However, before you throw around accusations, do some research. For example, if your partner says he was with a coworker and you have that person’s contact information, check with that person to verify your spouse’s story.
But again, a partner who cheats may gaslight you or accuse you of acting paranoid whenever you question them. In addition, they might attempt to make it look as though you’re the cheating one when they’re only trying to distract you from their indiscretions.
2). Hiding Their Cell Phone
His cell is the most decisive evidence supporting your cheating suspicions. You might notice they’ve become overprotective of their phone, carrying it wherever they go. When they put it down near you, it’s always face down. You’ll also notice deleted text messages and contacts.
He appears worried whenever you’re near his phone and quickly scoops it up when the coast is clear. Then, without hesitation, if you ever question why he needs his phone so much, he’ll gaslight you and act like he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.
Additionally, if he spends more time on his phone than talking with you, it’s a sign that his attention is focused elsewhere. If you feel safe or comfortable enough, discuss how his constant phone use affects you.
3). Changes in Sexual Pattern
If your sexual intimacy decreases, or he suddenly wants to stop having sex, this is a warning sign that he may be having an affair, especially if they typically have a high sex drive.
Sex isn’t the only way to identify a cheating partner. Pay close attention to what he used to enjoy compared to what turns him on now.
Does he want to try different positions in bed? Since he might have diverse experiences with his lover, he may attempt to replicate those positions.
Think about your spouse’s general attitude toward having sex. Is he as romantic as he was previously? Does he only focus on the physical part instead of putting your needs first? Drastic changes in the bedroom may signify cause for concern.
However, remember that there may be other reasons for a decreased libido. Other factors include:
- Physical health changes
- Medication
- Stress
- Mental health changes
So, consider these issues along with the other warning signs.
4). Overly Emotional to Inquiries
When you approach your spouse for answers, it may result in high emotions. For example, he might act sensitive and even paranoid about your questions if he’s hiding something.
When you inquire about his bizarre behavior, keep a mental record of his reaction. Does he get defensive or angry? Does he try to intimidate or yell at you or avoid you altogether? Does he turn the tables and accuse you of prying and mistrusting him?
On the flip side, some cheaters compensate with a calmer demeanor and communicate very well when they are in the wrong. Consider how his reactions and emotions appear different than usual when you bring up the idea of him having an affair.
5). Special Clothing
Your husband may want to surprise you with new clothing or lingerie; usually, that’s not a big deal. However, new lingerie may raise suspicions when you combine that with the other concerns on the list.
He’ll claim the new undergarments are a surprise for you or it’s for a special occasion. But if you’ve never worn that style before, his intent may be to dress you up like his lover.
6). Different Smells
Remember in the movies when a man comes home and smells like a woman’s perfume? Well, think about that because sometimes these scenarios happen in real life.
You may also notice an unfamiliar soap and shampoo scent. This could mean that he worked out and showered at the gym. But, if you see his gym bag in the corner, this could also mean that he may have been with someone else and showered there.
Another red flag is if your husband starts wearing cologne or changes his cologne after several years of sporting the same one. He could be attempting to replicate a scent that his lover likes.
7). Suspicious Social Media
Most adults have at least one social media profile these days. On average, people browse Instagram, Facebook, and other social media for at least two to four hours daily.
How much time does your spouse spend on social media? Do they tag you in any of their posts? Do they comment on your posts? Do they respond to your tags? Do they post photos or videos of the two of you? These are things to watch for.
Some claim they’d like to keep their relationship private. However, disengagement on social media may signify their disinterest in your marriage.
Many people are inactive on social media, but you will notice a change in their activity when they are cheating. If you are inclined to do so, search his name and check to see if other accounts come up for him.
Additionally, it’s suspicious behavior if you find an unknown email address, a secret Instagram, or a hidden Facebook account.
8). Secretive Emails and Accounts
Another red flag is a secret email account you’ve never heard of. Sure, some partners create business accounts, but a cheating spouse will create a separate email account to hide communication with someone.
Often, women find out their husbands are cheating by accidentally receiving an email from a mysterious account. You may even be locked out of your account if your spouse changes the password.
You may also have a cheater on your hands if he’s constantly peering over his shoulder while on his laptop or gets defensive when you inquire about his secret email.
9). Constant Lies
When a husband has an extramarital affair, he must lie to cover up his indiscretions. These lies require consistency to keep up the facade (RE: he must remember his lies.) After weeks or months (in some cases, years) of your partner having an affair, you’ll notice that things aren’t adding up.
For example, when you go off a hunch and question him, he’ll need to lie to keep you from digging further and possibly finding out the truth. Then, when you have proof, he’ll need to lie to keep you from believing that proof. This is also known as gaslighting and sounds like:
- “I know you saw me hug her, but she’s just a friend.”
- “I’m holding those condoms for my buddy.”
- “I have a separate account because I need it for research.”
- “I only signed up to the dating website because I was checking something out for my friend.”
- “I have no idea why she texted me.”
- “She sent this picture to me. I didn’t ask for it.”
Here’s an option; if you deem it necessary, you should talk to your spouse’s colleagues or friends if he has used them as excuses for staying out after hours in the past.
Suppose his stories and actions don’t add up. Their responses to your inquiries are met with defensive and overly emotional behavior. In that case, you may need to consider the possibility of an affair.
10). Missing Finances
Many married couples have a joint bank account. However, this is a problem if one person begins secretly withdrawing money. Don’t hesitate to ask your spouse if you notice the funds from the shared account dwindling.
Then, follow up on their answers by asking for receipts, searching the closet for new clothes, or inspecting the car for any repairs. Withdrawing funds may show you proof your spouse is cheating, especially if they can’t produce a receipt.
Then, follow up on their answers by asking for receipts, searching the closet for new clothes, or inspecting the car for any repairs. Withdrawing funds may show you proof your spouse is cheating, especially if they can’t produce a receipt.
11). Constantly Talking About Another Woman
Does your husband’s coworker frequently occupy his thoughts? Is he constantly talking about her and finding ways to work her into every conversation? Being so preoccupied with a woman that he’s always mentioning her may be a sign of cheating.
12). He Starts Showering You with Gifts
Isn’t it nice to come home to flowers and presents? But, unfortunately, a sudden flood of random gifts is also a sign that he’s cheating.
Guilt often prompts a cheating husband to overcompensate for his bad behavior with presents. In other words, those designer shoes or that expensive getaway on a remote island aren’t necessarily the signs of his undying devotion. Instead, they’re signs he may be cheating.
7 Ways to Catch Him Cheating on You
When a man cheats, he often leaves clues. However, if you suspect him of infidelity and don’t want to wait around for clues to surface, here are 14 methods to be proactive and catch him in the act.
- Watching his phone activity: You can watch how he acts and how often he uses his phone. Keep track of his calls, emails, and messages, which can help you figure out who is most often in contact with him.
- Hire a private investigator: This is one of the best–and most expensive–ways to catch a cheater. However, if you have the funds, why not let someone do the dirty work for you?
- Following on social media: Most everyone is on social media, and they often post way too much information. A cheater is no different. Follow your partner’s social media and watch their activities. If something looks fishy, take a screenshot and confront your partner.
- Watch for clues: People always leave clues of their infidelity. You just need to know what to look for. So, watch out for all verbal and non-verbal clues. This way, you’ll be able to observe changes in their behavior. For instance, if they appear worried, distant, unwelcoming, and fidgety, then you should confront them.
- Unannounced visiting: Cheaters rely on their partner’s routine so they can indulge in a little extracurricular activity without worrying about getting caught. To catch him in the act, change your routine. Drop by his workplace or come home early unannounced. However, it’s recommended to plan a good enough reason to come home early or go to his job in case your partner isn’t cheating.
- Use a baby monitor or spycam: Using either of these two methods is an excellent way to catch a cheater because it monitors your partner’s movement inside the house, especially when you’re not home. When they’re not around, set up the baby monitor or spycam and blend it well with the surroundings so it’s not too conspicuous. Always check for video and sound quality before and after installing, and opt for wireless if possible. With wireless, you can see what your spouse is doing through all portable devices.
- Use a tracking device: To use a GPS device, you must be married (legally) to your spouse, and your vehicle must be registered jointly. Otherwise, you can face legal issues. That said, a GPS device can track your spouse’s comings and goings. It will also let you know if they frequently visit one location. So, if you are legally married and have registered your vehicle together, a GPS is one method for catching a cheating spouse.
Ways to Repair a Marriage After Infidelity
Cheating may cause intense emotional pain, but infidelity doesn’t necessarily mean the marriage is over. Here are ways you can repair a marriage after an affair.
- Be accountable. If you were unfaithful, own up to it and take responsibility for your actions. Then, end the affair and stop any communication or interaction with the person. For example, if the affair was with a coworker, keep interactions strictly about business—no lunches or happy hours, even with others. In extreme cases, you should seek other employment.
- Don’t make a decision. You may be ready to end the marriage upon finding out about the infidelity. But before you make any rash decisions, take some time to heal and understand the intent behind the affair. This doesn’t mean you still won’t head to the divorce lawyer. However, if you file for divorce, you will do so with a level mind.
- Seek a marriage counselor. Get help from a licensed therapist trained in marital discord, specifically infidelity. Marriage counseling may help you put your spouse’s cheating in a different light by helping you identify the root causes that may have contributed to the affair. They can also teach you methods to rebuild, strengthen your marriage, and avoid divorce.
- Get help from outside sources. Seek help from friends and family who will reserve judgment and offer insight and understanding. For instance, contact a trusted source, like a spiritual counselor (pastor) or a trained specialist (therapist). Another good place to start is by visiting your local library and reading a self-help book on infidelity and divorce. Unfortunately, not all books are created equally, so check online for good reviews.
- Restore trust. If the affair is over, create a plan to restore trust to help with reconciliation. For example, if you were the guilty party in the marriage, admit to your guilt and attempt true forgiveness. Admitting blame is more about actions than the words, “I’m sorry.” If your partner was unfaithful, offer forgiveness when you feel ready. Please don’t allow them to rush you. Allow as much time as you need to heal from the betrayal.
When it comes to a husband cheating, trust your instincts because chances are, even when you find damaging evidence, he will attempt to lie his way out of it. Sometimes it works. Other times, it doesn’t.
You’re attempting to protect yourself from being hurt. Don’t feel guilty if he tries to turn it around and accuse you of being insecure and overly jealous.
Whether or not he’s cheating, you suspect the infidelity, so there’s already a chink in your marital armor. However, if the relationship is salvageable, seek professional help. If not, it may be best to go your separate ways.