If you’ve just been through a breakup, maybe you find yourself in that weird emotional limbo of still texting and seeing each other due to proximity or, depending on how long you were a couple, the same social circle. Maybe you start to think, “Hey, we should totally stay friends!”
To that, I say a hearty LOL because when it comes to staying friends with my exes? Not only is it something that has never crossed my mind, but I want them off the planet. I never want to see or communicate with them again, and while that may sound harsh, it’s just how it’s always been for me. Yes, I know I am emotionally immature and cold when no longer dating someone. My therapist says I have a graveyard where I bury those who have crossed me, and “There aren’t that many plots left” (her words, not mine).
But enough about me and how I handle breakups–what’s important is if you want to remain friends with an ex. Should you do it? Can you do it? And what could possibly go wrong? Quite a lot, actually!
So before you decide to try out a post-romantic friendship, we’re going to get into the good and the bad, the pros and the cons, and, most importantly, how to navigate this incredibly complicated transition and the scenarios that come along with staying friends after a breakup.
Friendship with an ex is not for the emotionally faint-hearted. You’re walking through a maze where one wrong turn can lead you back into their arms—or worse, to the always-dreaded and hella awkward “What are we?” talk.
Even the most mundane text can become an emotional minefield. So really think it over the next time you’re tempted to send a “Hey, how are u?” or, even worse, a “U up?” text. Do you really want to check in with them and see how they are doing, or are you hoping for something more? Like them saying they miss you or maybe an invite to hang out?
Social Gatherings: The Awkward Olympics
So, you’ve decided to try staying friends, and you invite your ex to a social gathering because you’re adults, and you can totally handle this, right? Wrong. If you’re fresh off the breakup, one of you is going to make it weird–it’s impossible not to! Okay, so maybe you’re saying, “It was a mutual, amicable breakup, it won’t be weird!” Wrong again.
While there are mutual breakups, they are the exception, not the rule–one of you wanted out first, and the other had no choice but to go along with it. Plus, there’s some weird brain thing that happens when you date someone, and you can feel a sense of ownership over them–that’s a human reaction, although it’s not really acceptable to admit. It’s a territory thing, and it happens to both women and men.
So, at this social gathering, you could find yourself over-analyzing every interaction instead of enjoying the event–who’s that they’re talking to? Why are they laughing so much? Is she prettier than me? Is he more handsome than I am? It’s messy.
Of course, the inevitable happens: Your ex starts dating someone new. You have two options here.
- Option one, you can react like a mature, emotionally stable adult (lol).
- Option two, you can wallow in silent envy while stalking their new partner’s social media and spiraling out.
Either way, it will eventually happen unless one of you is heading to the nunnery or monastery, so be prepared when you see they have moved on.
The Oop Relapse: A Cautionary Tale
Remember when you and your ex thought your friendship was going swimmingly, but one night, you are out with your friends, throwing back tequila shots, and the next thing you know, you’re in line for the bathroom and war-texting him or her how you miss them, do they miss you, can you come over, blah, blah, blah.
Well, the Oop Relapse (we named it this; it’s not a known term) is very likely to happen when alcohol is involved–one minute, you’re having fun, and then BAM! A song comes on that reminds you of them, you see someone who resembles them, and then you’re obsessing over “what-ifs” and “remember-whens.” This emotional backslide can happen even if you don’t want to be romantically involved.
This one may hurt a bit, but the truth always does; sometimes, we want to keep people in our lives because we’re emotional hoarders. We hoard feelings, memories, and connections like old clothes we swear we’ll wear someday. But sometimes, it’s okay to let go. Just like you finally donated those outfits you finally came to terms with never wearing again, maybe it’s time to toss your emotional attachments, too.
Lists always make everything easier, so of course, we made a pros and cons one!
- Shared History: No need to explain that embarrassing high school story. They lived it with you.
- Emotional Support: They already know how to cheer you up. Probably.
- Social Circle Continuity: No awkwardness at mutual friend events. Okay, maybe less awkwardness.
- Emotional Whirlpool: Yes, it’s back. Navigating emotions post-breakup is harder than explaining NFTs to your nana (I still have no idea what the purpose is even though it’s been explained to me like I’m a 4-year-old).
- New Relationships: It can be weird. It will be weird. You’ve been warned.
- Relapse Risk: Accidentally stepping back into romantic territory is like quicksand for your heart.
So, can you be friends after a breakup? The answer? Maybe? But with some effort, open communication, and a solid emergency exit plan, you may transition from romantic partners to “just friends” without anyone losing an emotional limb or their mind.
If you’re still hell-bent on making this friendship thing happen, you’re going to need a solid plan:
- Communicate: Be open and honest about boundaries and feelings.
- Take Time: Right after a breakup, emotions are like a Jackson Pollock painting—messy and all over the place. Take time to heal before any attempts at platonic friendship.
- Be Genuine: If you’re doing this to keep tabs on them or as a backdoor to reconciliation, abort the mission. That’s not friendship; that’s emotional terrorism.
Navigating post-breakup friendship is risky business, and anyone who says differently is lying to you. Emotions are messy–nowhere more so than when it comes to affairs of the heart.
In the grand scheme of things, friendship with an ex is a complicated puzzle–it’s not impossible, but it requires work, like trying to keep a houseplant alive if you have a black thumb or training a cat to walk on a leash. It’s possible, but it can be touch and go. We can’t give you a yes or no answer to this one–every situation and person is different!
So the answer is a tentative maybe–and it’s not for everybody. It’s a gamble, but if you both really want to make it work, you might just end up with a friendship stronger than any romantic relationship.