Are You Number One or Just His Backup Plan

Woman upset that a man is with another woman

If you don’t realize it by now, dating is a numbers game. The more people we connect with, the more likely we’ll find the perfect guy to marry us. We’re not saying that marriage is all women look for, but for those wanting to settle down, it’s a big deal. 

The more people we place our bets on, the more likely we’ll find a solid relationship sooner rather than later.

Whether or not you care to admit it, most of us have dealt with someone we considered our “second choice” when we were dating. In most instances, we’ve also been that same backup plan. 

Does this have you thinking about where you stand with the guy you’re heavily into right now? Take the following quiz to determine if you’re his number one: the love of his life, the one he can’t live without and wants to marry. Or are you his number two? (No clarification needed here.)

Have you ever met his family or friends even though you’ve been dating for over six months? If the answer is no, this isn’t a good sign.

Typically, guys won’t make the family and friends introductions when they aren’t interested in committing to you long-term, or you’re the side piece. Another option is that he’s embarrassed by you, but that reasoning isn’t much better.

In any case, this shows you’re only a placeholder until someone better comes along. When that happens, his options are to dump you or keep you as his side chick. As the now-demoted number two, accept none of the above and move on.

1. Did He Have ADD When You First Began Dating?

After the first or second date, a guy usually figures out when he wants to be with you long-term. If the beginning of the relationship saw you making more effort than him, but he suddenly became interested in you later, it’s not a good sign. 

As we’ve already established, dating is a numbers game–especially for guys who often bet on the odds by having a few prospects lined up. 

Your early interest and his take-it-or-leave-it attitude often indicate that he was more into some other girl, who likely turned him down. Lucky for him, he had you as his consolation prize that came along at the perfect time. In other words, after being rejected by his number one, he decided on you.

2. Does He Always Cancel Plans with You?

As with the other signs on this list, last-minute cancellations often indicate that you could be a side piece. When a guy likes you, he makes you his priority. 

When he says he’ll call, he calls no matter what. If he’s running late, he’ll text you to tell you he’s late and will call the first chance he gets. He’s making you his priority because you’re his number one. 

He may be busy with all five companies he has to run and then find time to go to school full-time. Or, maybe you can wake up and smell the coffee. 

Even top-notch business people take time for their loved ones. A guy who constantly takes a “rain check” with you means that you aren’t his priority and that he may have a better player in the game while you sit on the sidelines. 

Woman wondering if she's the backup plan

3. Does It Feel like Pulling Teeth to Get to the Next Commitment Step?

Nobody wants to settle, so if a guy views you as his second option, he’ll devise any excuse to put off the commitment.

He makes it difficult because he’s hoping to hold out for someone, and if he’s in a relationship with you, it’ll ruin his chances with anyone else. 

However, he wants to keep you around, so he must dangle a carrot or two in front of you to keep your hopes up. This is when he promises to take the relationship to the next level if you meet his standards. 

In this instance, searching elsewhere for someone who shares your interests is best. For example, if you enjoy gaming, why not check online dating apps for hot gamer guys? You’ll already have more in common, so you’ll have a better chance of finding a guy who will make you his number one.

4. Has He Stopped Spending Money on You?

While complaining about him not spending money on you may seem petty and somewhat trashy, it doesn’t make the sentiment any less accurate.

We’re not saying he needs to buy you a brand-new car or a diamond ring. We’re referring to the smaller ticket items, like a cup of coffee or surprising you with lunch one day. 

When he’s out, he may think of you and purchase that small trinket he noticed you admiring last week. A guy who does things like this is showing you that you’re his number one.

Guys that want to pursue a girl will lavish her with materialistic and thoughtful gifts. Economic situations can be rough sometimes, but a guy can always buy a “thinking about you” card for his number one girl. He’ll even purchase the paper and crayons to make one from scratch if he’s strapped for cash. 

He will spend his last dime to make his main girl happy. He’s trying to show her that he’s constantly thinking about her. 

5. Do You Feel like Everything Is on His Time, Not Yours?

It’s a flashing neon sign that you’re his backup option when you feel everything you do together is done at his convenience, not yours. 

For example, he can’t attend your cousin’s wedding with you because he wants to hang out with his buddies that night. Or, you want him to come over and hang out while you’re off from class, but he doesn’t feel like it right now. 

Sometimes, it’s painful to admit that your relationship is based on how he feels and what he wants to do. This is a sign that you’re his option two, or worse yet, you’re the low (wo)man on his totem pole.  

6. Are You Constantly Afraid He’ll Leave You if You Don’t Put up with His Bad Behavior?

You may claim you don’t know where you stand in the relationship, but more often than not, people tend to know where they stand with others on a subconscious level. 

For example, if you think you must compete for his love, you likely already know you’re not his number one.

The same goes for calling him out on his bad behavior. For instance, you don’t like it when he comes home drunk several nights each week, but you don’t say anything because you feel like he’s just waiting for an excuse to dump you. 

You start tiptoeing or walking on eggshells around his bad behavior because it could be the end of your relationship if you don’t. This is when you already know he’s not into you like that. 

You fail to realize that while he’s keeping you around for now, he will eventually devise an excuse to get rid of you. If it’s not calling out his bad behavior in the example above, it will be you “nagging” him to pick up his dirty clothes or some other minor incident. 

Man yelling at woman

Eventually, he will find something to bitch about with you. You’re staying in a miserable relationship while waiting for the inevitable. So, why wait? Take control of your life and move on so you can be someone else’s number one. 

7. Does He Share Property or Responsibilities with You?

You can barely get him to leave a pair of socks in the draw, but you ask him to move in with you anyway. Of course, he declines. 

You both adore animals, so you ask him to buy a dog with you, but, again, it’s a big N-O. You have a hobby project you want him to work on with you, but he’s not interested. 

He’s clearly indicating that he’s not interested in doing anything that would require you both to be together for a long time. At this point, how many more signals do you need that he’s drawing boundaries?

Unfortunately, the more boundaries he draws, the more suggestions you make, only to get shot down repeatedly. Take the hint because you’re not his number one.

8. Does He Always Claim “Labels Don’t Matter?”

A guy that’s using you as his backup chick wouldn’t “claim” you if his life depended on it. If you ask him for a commitment or a label, he’ll typically respond with, “Why do we have to give it a name?” or, “Let’s just see where this leads.” Let’s be honest: if you were his number one choice, he would be happy to label you to prevent another guy from scooping you up.

9. Do His Words Speak Louder than His Actions?

He’s always confessing his love for you and constantly texts you, but when you’re in person, he seems bored—that is, until the clothes come off. Then he’s engaged and standing at full attention. 

This is a sign that you have nothing in common and that he’s just telling you what you want to hear to get into your pants. 

10. Is He in a Committed Relationship, but Just Not with You?

You’re stuck in a limbo relationship while he’s out with his number one. In this case, you’re not only the side chick; you’re one of many side chicks. Wait, we’re not finished.

You’re also the girl on the back burner (aka, back burner girl). He keeps you nice and warm on low heat on the back burner, but if the front burner doesn’t turn on for some reason, he’ll pull you up to the front. The good news is that you’ll be his number one. The bad news? It’s only for a minute (or two, if you’re lucky.)

Woman watching guy with another girl

11. Did He Ever Suggest the Good Ol’ Marriage Pact?

We’re not sure which rom-com movie started this, but when you get the marriage pact, you are not, never have been, and never will be his number one. 

This is just him flat-out saying to you that if it doesn’t work out with all the other women on the face of the earth, he’ll give you a chance. In this case, you’re not even his number two. You’re his number 3.904,727,342, give or take a few. (It’s true, we googled it.)

12. Does He Get Angry if He Finds Out You’re Seeing Someone Else?

Even though he refuses to commit to you or even agrees to take you out on a legit date, he gets pissed off when he finds out there’s someone else playing in his sandbox.

When a guy does this, it’s annoying. It’s as if he doesn’t want you but doesn’t want anyone else to have you. So, you’re supposed to sit around in limbo, eagerly awaiting his call. The only way to break free is if you get married, but how can you get married if he expects you not to meet anyone else while eagerly awaiting his call? See the dilemma here?

Screw him if he gets protective and pouty about it. He had his chance. If he opted not to act on it, that’s his fault. Boy, bye!

How’d You Do?

Usually, this is the part where we say that you aren’t his number one if you answered yes to a certain number of questions. 

But if you checked out this quiz in the first place, you already know you don’t need to take it to find out, so stop kidding yourself.

The next step is to figure out what you want to do. There are always signs that it’s time to let go of a relationship. You just need to watch for them. 

Your choices are: talk to him to see if he’s interested in making you his number one, or you can move on—but we think you know the answer to that one, too. In any case, good luck!