We often receive questions about dating and relationships from our readers. Do you have a specific question you’d like to share? Well, now Abbie is here to help make sense of all your romantic queries and maybe even have a little fun along the way. So if you want it straight with no fluff or judgment, go ahead and ask because no topic is off-limits. Let’s go!
*These are merely suggestions of what we’d do based on the information given. You know the entire situation best, so do not substitute our opinions with your own.
Question #1: My Sister Is Flirting with My Boyfriend
Dear Abigail,
Last week, my boyfriend sat me down for a serious chat about what he called a “delicate subject.” Then, he proceeded to show me his chat history with my little sister. The texts show my sister repeatedly making flirty and sexual comments. I was shocked! The messages were flirty and borderline suggestive but nothing overly sexual.
My boyfriend is hesitant to confront her and doesn’t want me to either. He prefers to continue ignoring the messages and let the situation die down naturally. Plus, if I say something about it, it’ll be awkward when he’s hanging around my family. But why would she be texting my boyfriend like this? What should I do?
Answer:
When women flirt with your boyfriend, it can be irritating and downright disgusting, especially if you are there and the girl flirting knows he is your boyfriend. Unfortunately, this is something that happens, and when it does, it mainly occurs as a one-off experience. When instances like this occur, you and your boyfriend may joke about it after the fact and keep it moving.
In this particular instance, that’s not the case.
Your little sister is making a habit of flirting with your man in a painfully obvious way, so much so that your boyfriend came to you for help. The good news is that he came to you and should be commended for doing so. In other instances, the situation could get much worse, so there’s that.
You have several options for handling this situation. The first is to abide by your boyfriend’s wishes and allow the problem to die down naturally.
Some people enjoy the attention of others (even if it’s their sister’s boyfriend) and don’t feel they’re doing anything scandalous. Plus, if you allow the situation to dissolve on its own, she’ll probably move on to a new target and forget all about your man. Unfortunately, this might not be the right option for you since it is obviously bothering you right now.
In addition, it’s a turnoff if you are a fast talker and he can’t understand single word you’re saying. Having to constantly ask Huh? and What? is not cute. Slow down. Enjoy the date by listening to each other.
The second option is to address it with your little sister. Not in an angry, confrontational way, more like a concerned big sis type of way. Flirting has many different levels, like always laughing at his jokes or touching his arm when he talks. The more serious flirting is when you send suggestive texts in the hopes of some sort of sexual activity between the two of you. People who flirt may be unaware that they have crossed the line and believe they are simply being friendly. They are rarely totally oblivious to their actions, but yes, it does happen.
In this case, you stated the texts were flirty and not overly sexual, so I’m inclined to believe little sis just doesn’t know she has crossed the line. This is why it’s best to sit her down and talk to her about it, explaining that your boyfriend came to you and was “confused” or “embarrassed” by the texts she sent to him. Doing this lets your sister know two things.
- Your boyfriend tells you everything
- It lets her know to stop it and stop it now!
Avoid telling your sister things like:
- “You are totally embarrassing yourself!”
- “How desperate can you be?”
- “You know he’s laughing at you, right?.”
This should address the problem, and the texts should stop. However, if they do not, you should consider option 3, and that’s to be blunt with your sister.
If she ignores your original approach by saying things like “What’s the big deal?” and “Calm down. You’re making too much of this. I was just being friendly,” suggest asking others for their opinion on the situation. Of course, if she knows what she’s doing is wrong, she’ll be against bringing others into the mix. But, on the other hand, if she truly feels like she’s innocent and nothing is wrong with what she’s doing, hopefully, others will take your side, and she’ll reconsider her actions.
In an extreme case, if you go with option 3 and have asked others who agreed with you, and she’s still sending the texts, change his number. Obviously, your sister doesn’t care about your feelings and will do what she wants.
You don’t even need to tell her his number has changed. Keep going to all the family functions as usual and have a good time. Eventually, she’ll get the hint and move on to greener pastures. Good luck!
Question #2: The Guy I Met Through Online Dating Is Married
Dear Abigail,
I’ve been active on several popular dating apps for the past few months, with mixed results. Two weeks ago, I finally matched with someone who actually got me excited. He’s handsome, well put together, and has a decent career. Finally! We’ve had several dates, and it felt like we were heading toward becoming official.
Yesterday, I received a private message on one of the dating apps from someone claiming to be his wife. Apparently, she did a Google image search and found his profile pic on several sites. Then she checked his phone and found the app.
She’s asking about my relationship with her husband. I mean, c’mon, what do you think? You found him on several dating sites! She wants to know if he’s cheated on her physically or just emotionally. I have yet to respond. I’m angry and hurt, and a part of me wants to air out all his dirty laundry. But, on the other hand, he has a family and kids, and I wouldn’t want to ruin their lives out of spite.
What would you do in this situation?
Answer:
First, you stated that you had several dates but did not disclose whether those dates were simply for coffee and a doughnut or did those dates end up in something more (read: sex). Remember this point because this information will be vital as you read on.
In any case, because of his lies, this newfound relationship needs to be dead in the water. This isn’t a tiny lie like saying he’s 6’0″ but is really 5’8″. This deceit affects both of your families. So, your options are to ghost him, or you can tell him why you’ve decided to cut him off and let him fend for himself to deal with an angry wife.
However, as a side note, some women are okay with dating married men. So if this is you (no judgment), you can always just continue with your illicit affair. But, by the tone of this letter, this doesn’t sound like the case, and you’re conflicted about what to do, so let’s take it from that standpoint.
Now, back to what to do regarding his wife’s call. You have two options. The first option is to confront him with it. Be wary. He may lie and give you the ol’ “I am married, but we’re separated” spiel. In that case, always trust your gut. Deep down, you know if the math ain’t mathing. If you don’t feel comfortable moving forward with the relationship, don’t.
Do you believe the wife? If you do, the second option is not to confront him and, as previously stated, ghost the guy and move on. He doesn’t have to know why. It’s your right to decide to discontinue the relationship, and it’s your right not to give any reason why.
Now, back to the topic of how far those several dates went. This is important because if you decide to contact the wife, you can either:
- Tell her the complete truth. The truth may have involved sex, or it may not have.
- Tell her yes, you have been out with her husband. However, you can decide not to divulge all the details.
In either case, cheating is cheating, and his wife will know he was unfaithful either physically or emotionally. You and the wife are the innocents in this case. So you don’t have to put all of your business out there. The wife said she found his profile pic on several sites, so you are not the only one. She will get all the information she needs from the other women without you having to detail your encounters with him.
She will find out if he is a cheater eventually, and you don’t have to get involved. But according to the letter, this doesn’t sound like an option for you. You’re asking what you should do, but the tone of your letter suggests that you already know what you should do, and that’s to contact her back and, at the very least, let her know that you have been out with her husband.
The good news is that this relationship sounds relatively new, so you may not be as invested in it as you would be if you had been dating longer. Online dating is a popular trend, and do you know what else is popular? Deceitful married men on these apps who pick up unsuspecting women.
Do a little social media research or try to find little clues as to his marital status. You’ve been out with him a few times. Did he have a light circle around his ring finger, indicating he recently took off his wedding ring? Here are other signs to watch for:
- He cancels plans suddenly
- You don’t know where he lives
- He’s never available
- He gets upset when you ask questions
- His stories keep changing
- He doesn’t add you on his social media
- He doesn’t like taking pictures with you
- He doesn’t tell you his full name or give you details about his job and where he works
- You’re not saved under your name on his phone
- He seems to always be busy
- He refuses to introduce you to co-workers or friends
The important thing to remember is that you’re as much of a victim as his wife and children. You were intentionally lied to, so don’t blame yourself. Don’t allow this situation to affect your online dating. If you continue to use online dating, my advice for the future is to use better judgment when choosing. Consider this as a learning experience, and be more careful next time. Good luck, and happy dating!